I once posted a status saying: Ayh suka niyathanda ukuba oStep father, and a friend of mine brought it to my attention that we are reaching an age where most women are actually mothers and most guys our ages are dads. So our boyfriends are actually assuming the role of "step father". Now its tricky dating someones baby mama and it is surely just as tough dating some ones baby daddy. Namely because women are so vindictive and are so crazy.
Fathers do not know how important they are in the lives of their children. A father (contrary to popular belief) installs the foundation principles in the adult life of the child. A mother is there to inject the emotions, morals and faith in their child. A dad actually has tough decisions to make, traditionally, he is the head of the house hold and he leaves to get the resources and building blocks of the child's life. Its sad to know that some of us are now the fathers in our children's lives. The behavior of the dad influences both the girl and the boy child. For little girls, they look to their fathers for protection, love and because girls love their parents they want that type of man when they are older. "My dad is abcd therefore my husband must be abcd". Also a boy child looks to his dad to find out how he should treat women. If the father fails to be an example, our roles as mothers is NOT to protect the child but once they are older be able to show them right and wrong of the actions, otherwise the child will always idolize the father, whether they are right or wrong.
The mother will never be wrong in the eyes of the child, so if you introduce your child to EVERY man that comes into your life, your girl child will think that is how things are meant to be and grow up to be a hoe. Your boy child will hate men for coming into your life and hurting you. He will grow up angry and will fail to be in a real relationship because he doesn't know what a happy relationship looks like... Anyway that is my modest opinion.
We ladies love calling ourselves single parents or single mothers. Hahahahaha. I hate that term because we use it incorrectly. So you and your baby daddy have broken up, but he is still financially available for your child, he comes to pick him for quality time, he comes to watch the little plays and games that the child participates in. He loves his child and takes him out and fetches him from time to time, changes his nappies or helps with the homework. Then my darling you are a single woman, not a single mom. A single mom is one that has no father figure in her child's life. She carries the financial, emotional, physical, academic and spiritual responsibility for her child. No help.
The stepdad... Baby Mamas deserve love too. But ladies, are we really going to introduce all of our boyfriends to our children vele? Or are we going to hide them until they propose marriage to us. Where is the radar though? Can you really trust him. Men have an amazing ability of waking up one morning and deciding that they no longer like you and you must pack your things and find another person. What happens when your child is in the mix of such things? :( Our children grow up knowing only what we teach them. So basically you are saying: "son/daughter of mine, its okay for men to hurt women and its okay to have many men/women in your life at one time."
Being a stepmom is difficult as well. Yuses its hard, especially since your boyfriend tells you his has a kid with someone but they are no longer together... How do you really know if they are broken up? My principle is never date some one who has a child that is less than 3 years, the mother may come back into his life at anytime, they have a newborn and there are a lot of emotions still going around. I would rather stay away from that mess. And the last thing you want is baby mama drama...
There are three types of baby mamas...You must realise which one you are and leave that life behind you...
The first is the the kind that has completely moved on from the father (your boyfriend) she has no view on you or on his life. She is actually in another relationship or is even married. Literally, bahlanganiswa ingane with the dad. You are blessed if this is the type of baby mama you have. She is nice futhi and does not bad mouth you to the child and she calls your boyfriend only to tell him about new developments with the child, whether she needs help with picking her up from creche since she has a meeting that is running late. She doesn't enter your house when she picks up the baby and when she sees you in the shopping market, she says hello nicely and smiles. If the baby is with her she lets you talk to her. Kumnandi nje. Inkosi ingisize ngibe ilomama yaz. She helps you guys out nani if you are planning a weekend away and she babysits the baby even if it was his turn. There is no hostility and in fact you are pleasant to each other. Inkinga kungaba kuwena ke, because you will begin to compare yourself to her and wonder if your man still likes her, she is beautiful nice and smart, you wonder why he left her. If he could leave her then he could leave you too. There are many thoughts that take over our sanity... Also, your boyfriend must have also been a good baby daddy to her and was mature about things hence naye she knows the boundaries and will not violate them.
The "He will pay for leaving me" baby mama. This lady has not moved on. Maybe your boyfriend is still feeding her dreams. Maybe basathandana behind your back. She hates you, denies the father to see the child for as long as he is still with "the whore/you". She calls in the middle of the night, claiming that the child is sick and that she needs money. She spreads rumors about you and about him saying he doesn't give her a cent since he has started dating you. The child gives you attitude because her mom told her so. Worst, she is still friends with his family, his mom and sisters usually. She appears to be a saint to them and the devil to you. The best thing to do in this situation is simply be a good step mom to the child and a good girlfriend to your boyfriend. We as women love to be recognized for the things we do, if your man does not want to recognize you then leave that mess hey. They will probably get back together, simply because she is is easy. Do not be this baby mama. You appear to be uhlanya olunesidina futhi olungazithandi. The worst feeling is your baby daddy regretting ever having been with you. No matter how he left you... Let him go, read my previous post on the Five stages of grief...
The "we will always be together" baby mama. She is right. She and your baby daddy have this amazing bond :( they call each other for hours and visit each other even if ingane ikagogo. These two love each other, probably bahlukaniswa isimo esithize. You are probably the side chick and she is cool with you being around. A once saw a tweet saying "A nigga has eternal rights to his baby mama's cookie jar". Sweetheart, leave that mess behind. Every one loves her, his friends and his family are her Facebook friends even. She really does not recognise you nor is she phased by you. She gets invited to all the parties or traditional gatherings of the family, when she arrives they call her umakoti or uMakaSbanban and she is consulted in decisions. LOL she is there from the Thursday and comes everyday till the Monday afterwards, just helping. Kunzima... Leave that mess it won't end well for you. Your boyfriend is probably confused by all of his feelings. If your man is not doing anything to assure you that he is with YOU then you screwed GHEL.
The last type of baby mama is one I wont waste your data on because she is an absent person. She hates the dad and hates the baby. She abandoned the child at its birth...
Ideally we should marry our baby daddies hey. But it does not always happen. The worst thing you can do is "stay together for the baby". Wayisho lento untokaAdele... Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.
A lot of people don't realise how hard it is being a baby mama. The most important thing young women our age need to accept is that a man will not stay whether there is a child or not. Every father has a responsibility towards their child but at the end of the day if he doesn't wanna take responsibility then shame on him. I am a single mom. There is no place for bitterness in my world, I was blessed with the most amazing baby in the world. My job in the world is to be the best parent she can ever have, its not gonna be easy as she grows older but so far I'm getting it all right.
ReplyDelete<3 Wow I absolutely love "There is no place for bitterness in my world"
DeleteThank you for this view yaz. It really is difficult being some ones baby mama and these women they drag into our children's lives. And we have no control over it because SHE is HIS girlfriends. No matter if SHE is a good person or not.
<3 Wow I absolutely love "There is no place for bitterness in my world"
ReplyDeleteThank you for this view yaz. It really is difficult being some ones baby mama and these women they drag into our children's lives. And we have no control over it because SHE is HIS girlfriends. No matter if SHE is a good person or not.