Prince Charming wokunuka...

Why would you eat something, chew it up, taste it, swallow it, throw it back up then eat it again? Thats how a friend of mine describes amaLove Back. Majina. But is taking back an ex all that bad? 

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel" - Maya Angelou

I remember when we were young, singamaFresher and virgins, so convinced that we would find "the one" and date till the end of our degrees, siqede then get married. We'll work for a few years then have kids all before the age of 25. WOW... Reality really humbles you. We probably did date and find a guy that was "the one" for quite some time. He then trampled all over your heart, nawe you probably did break a few hearts. You probably took him back nazama futhi and nahlukana futhi. The routine really does get boring after a while, but until you stop feeling for him, you probably gonna take him back. I think that is what our late teens and early twenties are for. Doing this over and over, dismissing niggas and falling for others, cheating and doing shady things (noma usungazenza ungcwele ngcwele nje). That's why I would never recommend anyone to get married before the age of 25, we are just emotionally immature at that age. Plus we get employed, change locations try out the long distance thing, find wealthier men and emotionally cheat (sometimes physical) and then discover that they are also just men and they will hurt you regardless.

I really do think men are half cooked humans... 

I have a few friends that actually did end up with this guy, bashadile manje kuhle kwanjeyaya. The rest of us?we keep on trying and end up hitting the brick wall time and time again. I guess that is why some people opt to stay with the same old abusive man. Or to keep taking back an ex because it doesn't increase the body count. LOL yes I know we would rather satisfy our bodily desires by dating an ex rather than find someone new and increase your body count. The body count (for those that don't know) is the amount for people you have slept with in your ENTIRE life, regardless of how many times, whether it was a relationship or a one night stand. lol awubale nje...

There is always that ONE guy that you ALMOST loved but wakhetha uskhotheni, akuHurt manje usuzodlala ngaloGuy because he has always loved you from the side lines. :( Its sad when we do this ladies. But when there is no chemistry what must a girl do? You have been stringing him for years and he would do anything for you just to get a chance to lay next to you. He is a keeper hey. You ladies don't want him though, nifuna oLwabishi bamadoda that hurt, use and abuse you. SMH if waziqomela loGuy kwasekuqaleni ngabe you have that ring hey. :"D Ngyadlala... It is not that easy. When going into any form of relationship, there are certain prerequisites, love, attraction and compatibility are a few of these and without them there really isn't much to that relationship. That is why you probably did not date him in the first place. Now that sebekuvuthuzile abafana you want to go back to him. Well, if he says he still loves you and you feel the same (miraculously) then give it a chance. Unless... he gets bored with you (I mean he has waited for you for years, only to find that you are JUST a human). Tough cookies then.

Funny enough most break ups are not because of cheating. Usually people get upset when their partner cheats but ends up forgiving them I find it so strange and so common. I also find it disgusting that cheating is a "norm". Worse, when you are married, your own mother will tell you "Amadoda anjalo ke mfazi" "Bekezela" and "Akukho okungadluli" sigh... Your friends used to tell you what to do before nabo amadoda ebagila. Faithfulness has fallen down the list of "priorities" for most of us ladies, we rather break up with someone because "He doesn't communicate enough with me so I never really know whats going on with him", "he has no ambition in life" and the famous "the sex really ain't that great".

It really boils down to... What matters to you as a woman. Is it love? Is it faithfulness? Is it money? Is it encouragement? Is it respect? Is it how he looks? Is it the job he has? Is it the places he takes you to? Is it the car he drives or the clothes he wears? Or is it the romantic gestures he has? Is it that he tells you that you are beautiful? Is it that he makes you laugh? Actually... This is a topic for another blog post.

There are fundamental principles that each of us carry. These NEED to be compatible. For example you and your partner need to have faith, a man that does not love God, will not know how to treat you because you cannot be the woman of Proverbs 31 to a person who cannot even recognize it. You and your partner need to share the core principles around your monies, you must be able to talk to your bae about money, how to save it, budget and help each other build more money. You and your partner must have the same mentality when it comes to career pathways and focus, you must not date a man that has no dreams, hopes or ambitions in terms of progressing in a career. A person who will not understand your language when you talk about going on skills courses, studying further or that you are just too tired because you had a long day at the office. Lastly, you and your partner must have common objectives when it comes to love, faithfulness, respect, etiquette and honesty. These are the fundamentals and the foundation building blocks in your relationship anything things else you will be able to deal with.

Secondary foundations can vary from age to location. These are our preferences and they are important but the relationship can survive without them. They hold weight and these can lead us astray and we end up losing good people that we could have built a future with. Being in along distance relationship is difficult and requires a lot of trust, faith and truthfulness but it is possible. Long distance relationships scare other people and other people do them just fine, for years, its because the primary foundation is solid. Others date men that are significantly older then them, others significantly poorer than them. These are uncomfortable factors that you wish you could change because you are so in love with sban ban but society wont let you be great. Again, if the fundamentals are rock solid then you can face anything together.

Tertiary factors are really the trivial things that don't make a relationship nor do they have the ability to break it unless the relationship is ntekenteke vele. Things like sex (although yall think thats a foundation things), how much money he has and his complexion etc. These things really do not matter in the core of your relationship. Well, they probably help you get attracted to someone, and it is what people on the outside look at and they conclude you are happy or unhappy in that relationship. Bleh ngoba abantu. It is heartbreaking when shallow people break up with good people all because of looks, money or sex appeal. If a nigga sucks in bed, buy him a Cosmopolitan magazine and show him what you want. Sit him down and explain how you feel. If he loves you, he will improve with your guidance. If a nigga cant dress, than for goodness sake take him to a mall and help him buy clothes. If he lacks tact, teach him manners. If he hates reading, buy him a book on something he already loves. If he doesn't call you every hour, then  YOU must call him every hour. Simple.

These are really minor things but we are so fixated with marrying Barack Obama and having an ideal family like him. Our problem is that we try to change our own core principles to suit our partners based on being attracted to tertiary components. As cliche as it may be, I make a list. Positives against negatives. Then I scratch off all the things that fall under the "tertiary factors" and then I see whether the nigga is real and if he is worth the problems. And asifani singabantu, we are stubborn and we are spiteful, we are vindictive and we are emotional. All these things cloud our judgements but when it is too good to be true... It probably is.

And ladies... Stop putting your relationship on a scale and comparing it to others. because like we hide our own flaws, we can never really know what is going on in other relationships. So kuyafana nokuqhathanisa nespoki nje. When it gets foggy... Put it down on a list. Next thing uhlukene nomuntu because he doesnt buy you airtime. Majina nje.

                                                                   
Im not bitter... Im mad as hell
Aneh

Hi I am Aneh and I am a baby mama...

Its sad that most children are now born out of wedlock... Its even sadder to think that most of their parents will NOT get married. Why is it so normal though?

I once posted a status saying: Ayh suka niyathanda ukuba oStep father, and  a friend of mine brought it to my attention that we are reaching an age where most women are actually mothers and most guys our ages are dads. So our boyfriends are actually assuming the role of "step father". Now its tricky dating someones baby mama and it is surely just as tough dating some ones baby daddy. Namely because women are so vindictive and are so crazy.

Fathers do not know how important they are in the lives of their children. A father (contrary to popular belief) installs the foundation principles in the adult life of the child. A mother is there to inject the emotions, morals and faith in their child. A dad actually has tough decisions to make, traditionally, he is the head of the house hold and he leaves to get the resources and building blocks of the child's life. Its sad to know that some of us are now the fathers in our children's lives. The behavior of the dad influences both the girl and the boy child. For little girls, they look to their fathers for protection, love and because girls love their parents they want that type of man when they are older. "My dad is abcd therefore my husband must be abcd". Also a boy child looks to his dad to find out how he should treat women. If the father fails to be an example, our roles as mothers is NOT to protect the child but once they are older be able to show them right and wrong of the actions, otherwise the child will always idolize the father, whether they are right or wrong.

The mother will never be wrong in the eyes of the child, so if you introduce your child to EVERY man that comes into your life, your girl child will think that is how things are meant to be and grow up to be a hoe. Your boy child will hate men for coming into your life and hurting you. He will grow up angry and will fail to be in a real relationship because he doesn't know what a happy relationship looks like... Anyway that is my modest opinion.


We ladies love calling ourselves single parents or single mothers. Hahahahaha. I hate that term because we use it incorrectly. So you and your baby daddy have broken up, but he is still financially available for your child, he comes to pick him for quality time, he comes to watch the little plays and games that the child participates in. He loves his child and takes him out and fetches him from time to time, changes his nappies or helps with the homework. Then my darling you are a single woman, not a single mom. A single mom is one that has no father figure in her child's life. She carries the financial, emotional, physical, academic and spiritual responsibility for her child. No help.

The stepdad... Baby Mamas deserve love too. But ladies, are we really going to introduce all of our boyfriends to our children vele? Or are we going to hide them until they propose marriage to us. Where is the radar though? Can you really trust him. Men have an amazing ability of waking up one morning and deciding that they no longer like you and you must pack your things and find another person. What happens when your child is in the mix of such things? :( Our children grow up knowing only what we teach them. So basically you are saying: "son/daughter of mine, its okay for men to hurt women and its okay to have many men/women in your life at one time."


Being a stepmom is difficult as well. Yuses its hard, especially since your boyfriend tells you his has a kid with someone but they are no longer together... How do you really know if they are broken up? My principle is never date some one who has a child that is less than 3 years, the mother may come back into his life at anytime, they have a newborn and there are a lot of emotions still going around. I would rather stay away from that mess. And the last thing you want is baby mama drama...

 There are three types of baby mamas...You must realise which one you are and leave that life behind you...
The first is the the kind that has completely moved on from the father (your boyfriend) she has no view on you or on his life. She is actually in another relationship or is even married. Literally, bahlanganiswa ingane with the dad. You are blessed if this is the type of baby mama you have. She is nice futhi and does not bad mouth you to the child and she calls your boyfriend only to tell him about new developments with the child, whether she needs help with picking her up from creche since she has a meeting that is running late. She doesn't enter your house when she picks up the baby and when she sees you in the shopping market, she says hello nicely and smiles. If the baby is with her she lets you talk to her. Kumnandi nje. Inkosi ingisize ngibe ilomama yaz. She helps you guys out nani if you are planning a weekend away and she babysits the baby even if it was his turn. There is no hostility and in fact you are pleasant to each other. Inkinga kungaba kuwena ke, because you will begin to compare yourself to her and wonder if your man still likes her, she is beautiful nice and smart, you wonder why he left her. If he could leave her then he could leave you too. There are many thoughts that take over our sanity... Also, your boyfriend must have also been a good baby daddy to her and was mature about things hence naye she knows the boundaries and will not violate them.

The "He will pay for leaving me" baby mama. This lady has not moved on. Maybe your boyfriend is still feeding her dreams. Maybe basathandana behind your back. She hates you, denies the father to see the child for as long as he is still with "the whore/you". She calls in the middle of the night, claiming that the child is sick and that she needs money. She spreads rumors about you and about him saying he doesn't give her a cent since he has started dating you. The child gives you attitude because her mom told her so. Worst, she is still friends with his family, his mom and sisters usually. She appears to be a saint to them and the devil to you. The best thing to do in this situation is simply be a good step mom to the child and a good girlfriend to your boyfriend. We as women love to be recognized for the things we do, if your man does not want to recognize you then leave that mess hey. They will probably get back together, simply because she is is easy. Do not be this baby mama. You appear to be uhlanya olunesidina futhi olungazithandi. The worst feeling is your baby daddy regretting ever having been with you. No matter how he left you... Let him go, read my previous post on the Five stages of grief...



The "we will always be together" baby mama. She is right. She and your baby daddy have this amazing bond :( they call each other for hours and visit each other even if ingane ikagogo. These two love each other, probably bahlukaniswa isimo esithize. You are probably the side chick and she is cool with you being around. A once saw a tweet saying "A nigga has eternal rights to his baby mama's cookie jar". Sweetheart, leave that mess behind. Every one loves her, his friends and his family are her Facebook friends even. She really does not recognise you nor is she phased by you. She gets invited to all the parties or traditional gatherings of the family, when she arrives they call her umakoti or uMakaSbanban and she is consulted in decisions. LOL she is there from the Thursday and comes everyday till the Monday afterwards, just helping. Kunzima... Leave that mess it won't end well for you. Your boyfriend is probably confused by all of his feelings. If your man is not doing anything to assure you that he is with YOU then you screwed GHEL.

The last type of baby mama is one I wont waste your data on because she is an absent person. She hates the dad and hates the baby. She abandoned the child at its birth...

Ideally we should marry our baby daddies hey. But it does not always happen. The worst thing you can do is "stay together for the baby". Wayisho lento untokaAdele... Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

                                                                

I am not bitter though... I'm just mad as hell...

Aneh (^^)/*

The Five stages of grief

In all of my 24 years there is a pain that I will never get over, a pain that opens the door to your heart and settles in yaz. No matter how hard you try to sweep it out ayiyi ndawo. Instead it grows larger and larger, incorporating its self into your life. Majina nje. When you think its out of your heart, and you have locked the doors then it comes back through the window ke manje. Ayh mina ngivele ngingabe ngisazi...

We go through five stages in our healing processes... No one really can tell you how long each phase lasts, no one can ever prepare you for the hurtful-ness of each phase. I cannot imagine the degree of pain you have gone through, mine was intense on my scale. We each have different pain-o-meters and no one should ever judge another persons...

Anger

That impulsive phase where you learn of the new information and your heart beats so fast you feel red in the phase. Tears crowding your eyes streaming down your face uncontrollably. This information can be anything from finding out that your partner has gone and spent your savings on someone else's lobola, that he was seen taking out some girl on a weekend away, he sold you out to his family that already hates you or even something like learning that he has been cheating with your friend, the hurt of him telling you that he will never marry you. No matter what it can be, if it is important to you it hurts like hell and you literally feel the cold knives stabbing you deep inside of you, your core. You feel heat coming form inside of you and the cold goosebumps all over your body. Cold shivers. Gasping. The tears come naturally, no matter where you are, no matter who you with. Their heat itching inside your eye lids and you run out of breath. Haibo. Hhe? Uthi kwenzenjani? Even the most poised of people have a brief moment of weakness.

Questions flood your mind, Who? Wenzeni? Are you sure? Huh? Ima ke wait... How? Shaking your head furiously. Not my person, ngeke nje. And you go through it again, every time you are reminded by it. Haibo, ngyasangana yini? Why can't he keep it in his pants? Why didn't he just say mengasangifuni? Why though?

Once you have calmed down... You remain in state of rage and of anger. Your mind replays scenes, trying to calculate where it could have happened, when it happened and wondering why? This is a tough stage, memories creep into your mind and remind you of that initial moment that your heard about it. The love that lives in your heart drives you to anger, because with love come all sorts of arrangements and agreements that are now broken. For what, a hoe? (She will be a hoe in this blog because I said so). That hoe though, uqhamukaphi esezomosha nje. Yes we do blame the girl. Yes we blame everyone but our selves. You dream about it, the memory replays in your mind through out the day. Akudleki, akulaleki akusebenzeki. Uyisidumbu nje. Tears are still your friend. Panic attacks visit you in the middle of the night.  Uvalo lusakushaya inhliziyo igxume ihlale emphinjeni :(. Kodwa Sbanban ungigilani?" 

This is the most fatal stage as you feel justified to do anything. You want to go to his Facebook wall and swear him umubize ngaphansi kwesidwaba sikanyoko. You want to drive to his office and pee all over his laptop. You want to kill him. You want to go hit the hoe. You want to spray paint his car so that everyone knows. The bastard. The hoe. This is the thin line between sane and insane people (I am borderline insane shame.) I will plan your death in such high detail. You even contemplate telling everyone of all his secrets.

I spoke about this anger in detail in another blog post: "Its Whatever"

This phase can last for hours, days or even months. It depends on the person's ability to deal and accept the information. The anger is directed to God even... 

Denial

There has to be some explanation for it. It must be a mistake and by some miracle He will come and explain everything to me. We will be fine. Its just a matter of time. There is a lot of confusion in this phase... Your heart fighting the facts and what you know, you refuse to believe. In your heart, you trust this man, he has promised you and he has gathered all of your love, he wouldn't do something like that to you. I just don't believe it.

"But... He said..." and "We had planned to..." "She is probably making it all up to get back at "... "I know my man... He wouldn't..." Truth is he did and he knew exactly what he was doing. But this does not cross your mind. Instead we entertain fantasies in our minds that will never be a reality ( I blame Bold and the Beautiful)

Being in denial can take up a lot of time because in your mind you genuinely expect a mind blowing explanation that will make everything all right. Or being in denial and saying that it does not hurt, that you never really loved him, that his p*nis was small anyway. You put on your heels and your freakum dress and go out partying acting like you have no care in the world. :( It hurts being in denial. Your friends look at you like you are crazy because they know the truth, they know how much you felt for him and how much you loved him and how much all of this is hurting you. But we act like we are on top of things.

Others regenerate their energies into something else (I'm guilty of this). I would read a book... Forget my life and concentrate on the book. Join the gym and start exercising so that when you get home you are so tired that you fall asleep without thinking of the realities of your life and your heartbreak. Take up a course at UNISA even, work harder... Angithi wausajoli, you have all of this spare time. The truth is, the feelings are like the first law of thermo-dynamics. They are never made nor destroyed they merely transfer from one kind to another. So those feelings will remain dormant in your heart until you are ready to process them and transform them into strength and faith.

Bargaining

When he makes contact... You have had time to think about things and have calmed down. You blame yourself for certain things. You preach to him and tell him in all sorts of deep and meaningful conversations why certain things have to change. Bargaining is when you KNOW there is no change coming but uyazincenga and take him back.

"Maybe nami Im too strict..." "Is faithfulness really that important..." "At least he still gives me money" "I dont care what type of relationship it is, as long as he is part of my life..." "I need him" "Maybe I need to be more sexy for him" "Let me try to be more sexually adventurous" . Majina nje. When you are the one done wrong and yet you are the one who still must compromise. Its a level of desperation. Its trying to grasp what ever you had and trying to bring it back. It will never be the same. You pray so hard for him to change or to come back to you or for God to bring you a perfect man and in return you will remain a faithful christian. Uzoziyeka zonke iyndlela zobubi uma nje iNkosi ingakuhawukela.

Others substitute during this phase. Maybe nami if I date other men, it will hurt him and he will come back to me. You date other types of men, but the truth is, before you fall asleep memories of the original person and you wonder how he is doing crowd your head. Kunzima because you aren't happy. When he repeats those habits that he said he would change... When the new guy disappoints you in the same way... When God sends you signs and you ignore them...

Truth is, we must pray for intando yeNkosi ukuthi ifezeke. "God take the wheel", "Jesus umoya wam ngiwulahlela kuwe, intando yakho mayenziwe empilweni yam". Amen

Depression 

When you have tried everything and you realise that things are not going to change and that your relationship is a failure. This is when you collapse and break down. Its a different feeling to the anger... This is a pain that sinks your soul and your heart... You see no God, you see no friends and you see no hope. You fall into a well of sadness, self pity and heartbreak. Its either you listen to Sam Smith, Boys to Men, Luther Van Ross and Adele or you listen to Joyous Celebration. Nothing makes sense.

This phase is the most difficult. In fact... when I think about it kwamanje.  ngifikelwa usizi nezinyembezi ziyazilwela phez kweLap top. Its difficult and painful. Its confusing and frustrating. It literally cuts you open, enters that dark spot in the pits of your hearts and settles there. It confuses your life.

Reality has checked in... There are no means of turning back to the happiness that you once shared. He has left, he wont change, he doesn't love you. Its not your fault. The first thing is to forgive yourself. You need to realise what ever happened was not your fault. It was MEANT to happen that way. But we must go through it. We must pray through it.

I remember saying "God, but I prayed so much for this relationship to work out. I prayed for our love and our future" and a friend of mine said, "Its because you prayed so hard that God took him away. It means that he is NOT the person you imagine him to be. Allow God to filter those that he doesn't want out of your life". Namanje I follow that principle.

LET him go and if he was meant to be in your life as "the one" then he will come back, God willing. Maybe all you had to do was to help him go through something. Maybe all you had to do is to was make him a greater person. Maybe your role in his life was for you to show him what real love is, so that he can love others. I know nhe... :(

LOL, vele it is easy to write this blog and for people to say "pray through" it. But its up to the person that is hurt hey... You must believe that God wouldn't let you go through such pain alone and that what is still coming is greater that this temporary situation. Until then... You wont be able to enter the next phase...

 Acceptance

"Sban ban and I are no longer an item and I am okay with it. I don't need him. I learnt a lot of things from our situation. I truly wish him well". This is the best phase and if it is true then you will be happy and be ready to go back to the dating field. You look back and realise that you got yourself out of such a slump and are now a better person. God shows us his greatness in his own time.

Learn from your past. No relationship happens for nothing. Even the crappiest relationships have lessons for us. Otherwise we go into fresh new relationships just to repeat the same mistakes again and end up being more heartbroken. I just find it helps to take a break from everything

There are no feelings towards the ex now. By feelings, I mean when you see him, you smile and wave asking how he is feeling and how are things. Genuinely want to know. You don't hate him. You don't wish him ill. You don't stalk his social media, you don't stalk his new girlfriend. You don't find fault in his new girlfriend. Men deal differently to break ups that we do. By the time he realises that he misses you and that you were the perfect person etc wena usuke sukade wadlula lapho. If he still confuses you, then you are still in the "bargaining" phase.

 Anyway... It is unfair that one must go through this... and it can take so long to reach the "acceptance" but once you are there. You are unbeatable. That is the strength we have as women. We have strong hearts and core strength. We love deep. That is why we must have faith.

Crap will still happen because men are men and they do such things without any consideration.
                                                   

Im not bitter... Im mad as hell
Aneh

Some of it must be true...

I might be going crazy but the more we date... The crazier we become (lol)


I have been making jokes about being a Sponono in my relationship. A sponono is what we term these days as a side chick embi kune main chick. but my question is... WHY must there be a Sponono in the first place? Anyway... How do you know if you are the Sponono or the Boity?

The butterflies fill the pits of your tummy and you find yourself smiling for no reason, drawing hearts and things on your diary during meetings... Your body literally grows goosebumps when he calls you. Every "how you boo", "good morning text" and "cant wait to see you beautiful" text literally sends jelly to your knees next things awusazi noma uyaphuma noma uyangena. Isn't it just lovely.

Going on a couple of dates and loving everything nje, his perfume, his car and the things that you do together. The laughter and the learning how to relax in his presence. For now, you still hide your flaws, there are many but you postpone introducing them to your partner for as long as possible. Not huge flaws like you been in jail or you have a gambling problem, just things like your harsh temper or stretchmarks. This phase dies out and the reality phase begins...

He speaks about certain women and refers to them as his friends or sisters.  He shows you pictures of them at parties and it honestly looks all very innocent. Is it really? Maybe they have done it once, maybe bayafunana but something got in the way.

You go through his phone (I don't recommend this) and all you find  your texts only, and his call register only has calls from you and his mom. Is he being thorough with deleting everything that is from other girls or anything him and his friends speak about that could be read ambiguously?

You visit him and you see all his food tucked into Tupperware containers, bed made and floors mopped. Does this mean that he is just a neat freak or his main girlfriend was visiting and cleaned up the place then cooked and washed the dishes?

His phone rings and he answers it with you in the room, cuddling even, talks and laughs with the person. Is it his friends or is it a side chick that is so cool with things that they have code words so that she knows that he is chilling with you?

You find lip gloss in his car and he says it belongs to his colleague, he calls the colleague and tells her that she forgot her lip gloss izolo. Is she playing along just to cover for him?

He comes home, smelling brand new and fresh. he doesn't want anything to eat, in fact he just wants to sleep. Where is he from? Gym? or did he via passed his side chicks place washaya uOne then wageza khona? She probably fed him, or maybe he just had a rough day at work and he just wants to sleep (._."

Some girl comments on each and every status of his and retweets all his intimate tweets. She likes all the pictures he posts up and always shares internal jokes with him. But who is she though? Maybe they were an item once, maybe she likes him... Maybe she is friends with his ex, maybe they nearly did it? Maybe she is his high school sweetheart...



In all honesty, can you ever know whether you are the main chick? Really though? 

There is no security hey. He can love and post about you on Facebook, maybe his real girlfriend doesnt have Facebook. He may take you out in public, maybe the girl he really loves is far from where he is. Maybe she already has a ring. You might be pregnant and having his child, maybe his real love doesnt even know. Maybe sebezoshada and wena ubhizi la umubiza uBae. Maybe uhlala naye kodwa his real girlfriend is in his homelands... #KuyadlalwaNgathi Worst, you might be dating for 8 years but the girl he will marry has been his "friend/sister/sometimes/complicated" for a few months.

Im not bitter... I am MAD as hell... and a little crazy

Aneh (**,)

He is my "its complicated... my its whatever and my sometimes..."

Many young black women (myself included), preach these words "He is mine", "She can have him but he will come back to me" "I know him" and the favorite line when you want to take a nigga back, "Better the devil you know". Even me I have said these words. And seven times out of ten, ngempela uyabuya. Ama Love Back...

When he comes back though it does not mean the same thing for the both of you. To her it proves her theory correct that in fact he loves and adores her, he cheated and left her only as a mistake but she is his soul mate. For him? He is probably between girlfriends and wanted someone he knows well so that he can manipulate well into giving him what he wants. You are easy. Its sickening though.

These harsh realities normally occur after the first real breakup. Normally the guy does something wrong (cheats) and it crushes her and she cant forgive him so they break up. Everyone who is close to the couple complains about this break up and always put in their 2 cents worth (ave nidina). They deal  with the breakup independently, the guy continues dating other girls, partying and drinking. For her? She was miserable, crying and busy quoting bible verses and Joyce Meyer in her social media statuses.She was so obsessed with the fact that he left her that she will bargain and want him back just to prove to herself that she is desirable, she doesnt even care that he cheated now. Other men pursuing her fall back like water on a ducks back, akababoni ngisho ukubaboni. Its as if akuphileki without him. She takes him back or she throws herself at him and he can only play along, I mean who wouldn't.

He comes back to you ngoba uyisilima.

Things are never the same, its either (through the work of God) he changes and he becomes everything she wants or... Things are worse off than before. Phela while you were on a "break" things change and evolve, both of you have met other people and have forgotten your old routine. The conversation is not the same because someone will be spiteful when they get a chance, or there are comments about the cause for the break up initially. Sigh. Bulindelen though? The sex is not the same because when you make love to him, in the back of your mind you think about all the other women and also the cold nights you spent alone crying over him. The jokes are not very funny because there is a wall between you now. He is cold to you and akakuncengi. If you arent available, someone else is :( and he doesnt even care if you find out about it. Vele you will take him back.

Vele vele whats a break? What is a purpose? So you can go and cheat?

I reckon this is what lead to the concept of "ma'am". Girls would say "imina umem, bangamthatha nje but he is mine". How can you call yourself uMa'am and stay in a relationship of convenience, he cheats, uyamithisa yonkindawo, udla imali yakho or physically abuses you. All for the sake of security? It comes at a high price I suppose... Are we that fearsome of being single that we will succumb to such rubbish relationships? We don't judge though, I mean sibadala.

The worst weakness we have as women is that when we are in love we exaggerate the things that make us happy and use that to beg ourselves when he does something wrong. "Atleast uyangilanda emsebenzini..." "Atleast Ive met his parents..."

A man will use you if you want him to. Suck you dry and move on to the next person. Lapho you are busy calling yourself uMa'am.

_______________________________________

I'm not bitter... I am mad as hell

Aneh

Its whatever...

This is my heart goddamit! I only have one! IF you break it, I wont be able to get another! What happens if I fall in love with you kanti wena ubuzidlalela... What happens? It's whatever though!

It irritates me knowing that we young black unmarried women are regarded to as bitter. We are attached with being so full of drama that we can shout at our boyfriends for nothing and for everything. I am not a feminist. We are thought of as crazy at times. I don't think we are bitter, crazy or full of drama. I just think we are humans so full of emotions that we love hard and are broken hard as well.... But even me I am generalising now. The truth is asifani, we are not the same. Not even by the strands of our weaves.

I cannot speak for men... In my opinion they have no emotions.

Its the touch of a nigga as a creeps up behind you to kiss your ear, or when he hugs you from behind breathes down your neck and holds you close. It could be in your kitchen while you cooking or even in the middle of the mall... he just couldn't wait to hold you, couldn't wait to show you his affection and just couldn't wait to smell you. Its when he brushes your eyebrows while you sleeping, just listening to you breathe (or snore) and he would place a gentle kiss on your nose then falls asleep with his face embedded in yours. Its when he brushes your cheek with his hand, so softly and so sweetly that all your insecurities melt away. When he looks deep into your eyes as you make love, you are convinced that he truly loves you and that you are his one.

Those thoughts come back to you when you discover that even he is just one of the guys. That when he hurts you, he will never understand the pain that you feel.The rage fills you up, a volcano erupting in the depths of your heart. Tears burn your cheeks and you lose control for a few moments... Kanjani? Who could be so evil that he hold my hand and whispers sweet nothings in my ear but yet still long for another woman. Was it all fake? Oh my goodness... Does he do the same things with her? Love is a strong emotion but the rage that fills you can move mountains. Your fingers ache for something to break, your voice longs for something to scream instead all that comes out is a breathless cry. We suffocate under all this new information and the veins pop on our foreheads... As the world stops spinning, your heart continues to beat so hard it sits under your voice. What is to happen now? Falling down mentally... kusaqhaqhazela umzimba.

Its this rage that makes us appear to be crazy... Uzibuza uziphendula imibuzo ongasoze uyithole izimpendulo zayo. He says "I'm sorry babe", "uyazi ngithanda wena", "I made a mistake, please give me another chance" and expects you to calm down after a few days and then forgive him. Ekumaketha umuntu. Imagine. Ngathi ungaphihliza iPlate lokudla ekhanda lakhe yaz noma umbhunyele ngamanzi abilayo athule athi du.

I don't think men know how much we put into relationships. Once she says she loves you, she hands her love and her heart in your hands and lets you hold it and feel its warmth. She gives you her focus, gives you her strength and takes care of your heart and most of all, she prays for you. Asks God to make you a brilliant man, prays for your family and for your career. She invests in you, believing your promises of eternal love and marriage. She shares a bit of herself with him every time he tells her that he loves her. Its all of these thoughts that make a woman itch with rage that her sanity is questioned. 

Abantu besilisa abanawo amehlo okubona. 

I mentioned that we are not the same as young black women. We look for different things. Men locate these characteristics and use them opportunistically to lure her into doing things for him. Very few times when women just want a physical relationship. Some long for commitment... She will commit to anything promising her a ring, a house and a job. She strives for this and a man will promise her for years and will never deliver, because a man doesn't marry for convenience, he marries for unknown characteristics and he wont marry until he finds them. They come at him like a light bulb. If she is not the one, she is not. Some of us fear, we fear people talking about us saying that we are loose. So we force things and take what ever man that can marry us so that sizophuma ehlazweni. We whore once we are in marriage, because we got married for the wrong reasons and are never happy. Some of us use men as accessories... Where she has progressed in her career, owns a beautiful home and the most stylish of wardrobes. How can she be single? She pretends to be tough "I dont need a man" but deep down uyazi. But this is a topic for another blog post... 

Most times she takes him back... He hurts her again and again. When she is full of hate and full of rage, he calls her crazy, uHlanyozi. When she wants to do the things he promised her he would do for her, umbiza ngescefe. He gets her used to a certain life than in less that a few moments he snatches it right from under her. When she falls, she tries to restore her hearts pieces that are now laying on the floor, people walking on top of it other spiting on it and others laughing at it. She works hysterically with tears in her eyes trying to get all the pieces of her heart back. And when she tries to sleep... It plays like a movie in her mind and haunts her taking away bits and pieces of her sanity. 

We pray most during these times. If it wasn't for prayer... Most young black men would be found tortured and dead in pits of scum where they belong. But we pray and we forgive, we write books and blogs and find our sanity once more.

I'm not bitter... I'm mad as hell

Aneh'