I write this blog with tears in my eyes as a young black woman living in a brutal South Africa. A South Africa that refuses to acknowledge any success until you are married. You could be driving the best car, speaking the best English, healthy and have a progressing career...
It does not matter until you are married. It breaks my heart hey.
What must happen if I can't find a man? What happens if I refuse to settle? What must happen if I want to be single for the rest of my life? What must a sister do?
On the radio, there was a topic about how men refuse to propose love these days. They just expect us to fall into their arms. They don't court us, buy us nice things or take us out etc. A response was that women these days make themselves so easy, we throw ourselves to men therefore they do not need to court us and try to impress us because we are much bolder than they are and we are availing ourselves to them. I suppose there is an element of truth in that.
We have become so desperate for love, for care... for BAE that we settle, or we when a relatively average guy looks our way we jump at the opportunity to "make him the man he is destined to be".
We need to stop look for projects in men. A man should charm you, work for you then he will value you. Actually... Men do not how to value umuntu wesifazane... Its a true conundrum.
A man's love means nothing. His love for you may be true BUT it will not stop him from hurting you. I think even those that try to be good... end up hurting you subconsciously.
These days someone asks you for your number, they whatsapp you and invite themselves to your place. They kiss you. After that you are now dating or you are hanging out. This might mean totally different things to the both of you.
To you it is a relationship. To him, we hanging. He may SAY he loves you, uyamuchaza and he enjoys himself menawe, but how do you know if it is true? You end up committing yourself to this person, who has not said "I love you and only you", "I want you to be my girlfriend", "I do not want to lose you" they have only asked if you are in a relationship or not.
If you are in a relationship, they don't really mind. So, is this a real relationship noma umasihlalisane? It gets so confusing, you attend all the parties with him, attend his work functions, you have a routine between the two of you. Mondays we do this and that, he picks me up on Thursdays, I cook on Sundays... That type of lifestyle. You are almost happy but there is no commitment, its just a question mark...
Men can be very selfish. He has no guilt for pursuing you, letting you fall in love with him, let you adapt to having him in your life and then begin planning for the future with him. Meanwhile when his friends or relatives ask "Sbanban, are you in a serious relationship?" he answers "
No, I am still weighing out my options". The rubbish. Yaz udotu wobuSelfish-ness. Ngathi ngingavele ngimubhunyele ngamanzi abilayo, khona uzophaphaa. Lapho you have wasted three years with someone, thinking and hoping that the relationship will lead to marriage. Kanti cha! Umuntu wakhona is still weighing his options. That is three years of your life you will never get back and you wasted it being a faithful girlfriend to that rubbish person.
Men don't have eyes.
My worst fear has to be waking up and I am forty years old, on a Saturday afternoon, sitting at a coffee shop reading a book with a vanilla latte and a bran muffin. Dropping off my son at the movies with his friends or at a soccer match then driving my Range Rover to a coffee shop, the waiters already know me and they know what I like and they fight over to serve me because they know I give big tips. I check my tablet for new e-mails and I respond to them then have a bran muffin with a vanilla latte. I take out a book, probably the seventh book that year. An inspirational book, a book about being a strong black woman, a political book, a soppy novel or a christian book. Once its late, I pick up dinner and pick up my son. He says he is staying over at his friends house. I watch a movie or read some more then drive to my big home. Its spotless because I have three helpers. I open a bottle of wine and sit with my laptop, working. I call my mom and my sister for an hour each. Falling asleep with the laptop... notshwala (._."
You see, being a professional woman has perks and guaranteed benefits. You work hard- you get a promotion. You excel in your field- you get a raise. You study and work harder- you get another certificate and a graduation.
With relationships, the harder you work the harder you are exploited. The more adventurous you try to be- the less "wifely" you end up being. The more independent you become, the more "disrespectful" you become. The more needy you are, the more "scefe" you are. The less you perform, kuthiwa you are getting comfortable.
Ngicela iSpade bafwethu, to dig up the answers about the men in our lives though...
I also fear being the woman who is everyone's bridesmaid, speaking the behalf of friends at weddings. The woman with class, a christian woman who attends bible classes and forms part of church committees, the woman you trust to watch your kids when you and your lover are at a weekend away. She goes to gym before work and arrives on time. She has is now a senior in her field. Her kids go to the best schools and she is well mannered, poised and pleasant. Sigh... She plans everyone's bridal showers. When her friends are having marital problems they come for drinks at her house.
You give good advice. Everyone's husband hates you because you poison their wives minds against them.
And I sit here with a vodka and cranberry in my glass thinking... Let me dive into my work and seek the benefits and the greatness that I am destined for. At the back of my mind I pray for my love life to be as successful as my professional life has been...
If not... Let Gods will be done.
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I am not bitter... I am MAD as hell...Aneh
