Change of name...

Hi Ladies :)
I have moved my blog to WORDPRESS :) 

Thank you for your support! I look forward to more of your feedback!!!

This is my new "handle":

anelileamantombazane.wordpress.com

#Manqa

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Aneh (**,)

If only my love life was as successful as my professional life...

I write this blog with tears in my eyes as a young black woman living in a brutal South Africa. A South Africa that refuses to acknowledge any success until you are married. You could be driving the best car, speaking the best English, healthy and have a progressing career... It does not matter until you are married. It breaks my heart hey. What must happen if I can't find a man? What happens if I refuse to settle? What must happen if I want to be single for the rest of my life? What must a sister do?

On the radio, there was a topic about how men refuse to propose love these days. They just expect us to fall into their arms. They don't court us, buy us nice things or take us out etc. A response was that women these days make themselves so easy, we throw ourselves to men therefore they do not need to court us and try to impress us because we are much bolder than they are and we are availing ourselves to them. I suppose there is an element of truth in that. We have become so desperate for love, for care... for BAE that we settle, or we when a relatively average guy looks our way we jump at the opportunity to "make him the man he is destined to be". We need to stop look for projects in men. A man should charm you, work for you then he will value you. Actually... Men do not how to value umuntu wesifazane... Its a true conundrum.

A man's love means nothing. His love for you may be true BUT it will not stop him from hurting you. I think even those that try to be good... end up hurting you subconsciously.

These days someone asks you for your number, they whatsapp you and invite themselves to your place. They kiss you. After that you are now dating or you are hanging out. This might mean totally different things to the both of you. To you it is a relationship. To him, we hanging. He may SAY he loves you, uyamuchaza and he enjoys himself menawe, but how do you know if it is true? You end up committing yourself to this person, who has not said "I love you and only you", "I want you to be my girlfriend", "I do not want to lose you" they have only asked if you are in a relationship or not. If you are in a relationship, they don't really mind. So, is this a real relationship noma umasihlalisane? It gets so confusing, you attend all the parties with him, attend his work functions, you have a routine between the two of you. Mondays we do this and that, he picks me up on Thursdays, I cook on Sundays... That type of lifestyle. You are almost happy but there is no commitment, its just a question mark...


Men can be very selfish. He has no guilt for pursuing you, letting you fall in love with him, let you adapt to having him in your life and then begin planning for the future with him. Meanwhile when his friends or relatives ask "Sbanban, are you in a serious relationship?" he answers "No, I am still weighing out my options". The rubbish. Yaz udotu wobuSelfish-ness. Ngathi ngingavele ngimubhunyele ngamanzi abilayo, khona uzophaphaa. Lapho you have wasted three years with someone, thinking and hoping that the relationship will lead to marriage. Kanti cha! Umuntu wakhona is still weighing his options. That is three years of your life you will never get back and you wasted it being a faithful girlfriend to that rubbish person.

Men don't have eyes.

My worst fear has to be waking up and I am forty years old, on a Saturday afternoon, sitting at a coffee shop reading a book with a vanilla latte and a bran muffin. Dropping off my son at the movies with his friends or at a soccer match then driving my Range Rover to a coffee shop, the waiters already know me and they know what I like and they fight over to serve me because they know I give big tips. I check my tablet for new e-mails and I respond to them then have a bran muffin with a vanilla latte. I take out a book, probably the seventh book that year. An inspirational book, a book about being a strong black woman, a political book, a soppy novel or a christian book. Once its late, I pick up dinner and pick up my son. He says he is staying over at his friends house. I watch a movie or read some more then drive to my big home. Its spotless because I have three helpers. I open a bottle of wine and sit with my laptop, working. I call my mom and my sister for an hour each. Falling asleep with the laptop... notshwala (._."

You see, being a professional woman has perks and guaranteed benefits. You work hard- you get a promotion. You excel in your field- you get a raise. You study and work harder- you get another certificate and a graduation. With relationships, the harder you work the harder you are exploited. The more adventurous you try to be- the less "wifely" you end up being.   The more independent you become, the more "disrespectful" you become. The more needy you are, the more "scefe" you are. The less you perform, kuthiwa you are getting comfortable. Ngicela iSpade bafwethu, to dig up the answers about the men in our lives though...

I also fear being the woman who is everyone's bridesmaid, speaking the behalf of friends at weddings. The woman with class, a christian woman who attends bible classes and forms part of church committees, the woman you trust to watch your kids when you and your lover are at a weekend away. She goes to gym before work and arrives on time. She has is now a senior in her field. Her kids go to the best schools and she is well mannered, poised and pleasant. Sigh... She plans everyone's bridal showers. When her friends are having marital problems they come for drinks at her house. You give good advice. Everyone's husband hates you because you poison their wives minds against them.

And I sit here with a vodka and cranberry in my glass thinking... Let me dive into my work and seek the benefits and the greatness that I am destined for. At the back of my mind I pray for my love life to be as successful as my professional life has been...

If not... Let Gods will be done.

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I am not bitter... I am MAD as hell...Aneh

Can I have the spade to dig up answers about the men we love...

Ladies, have you ever just sat down with a smoke and glass of wine, wondering... How did all this happen though? When did I turn out to be like this... Was this my destiny? I've found myself saying, "Marriage is a calling, I guess I am called to be a single mom." We have reached a point of NO return... Been so hurt that in actual fact, I am exhausted of this twisted circle of false hope and heartbreak.

Can I have the spade to dig up the answers we have about the behavior of the men we love. Men do a lot of things that are bizarre. I sometimes sit and think about the love I have given and the rubbish I have received. I think about the emotions that I have invested and the emotional poverty I find my self dwelling in.

Ngicela ukwazi leyo mfihlakalo, ngoba eyam inhliziyo ayisakwazi ukubhekana nokuye ukuphoxeka. Ngicela ibhala lokuqguba uthando lwam liye endaweni lakungekho muntu khona. Ngicela ishafula, ngigubhe umgodi la ngiyo fihla khona uthando lwam. Kungcono ife, ibune nokuba ihlale endaweni yobandlululo nenkathazeko. Ngicela inqola ingihambise ngiyoyilahla eweni, kobe sekwanele, kobe sekufeziwe, kobe sekuwukuphumula umphumulelo wafuthi... Kuyobe seziphelile izinyembezi, zisuliwe izinsizi. Angaz umuntu angayifihlaphi inhliziyo yam... angsathandi. Ukuphela kwayo. Angisafuni nayo. 

What must happen if I fall in love with you, kanti wena ubuzidlalela. Kwenziwa yini ukuthi unganeli impilo yakho ukuthi usufuna neyam ibe ngeyakho khona uzoyilaxaza kahle. Ayh mina sengikhathele. Mina sengibongile ukuhleshikelwa ithemba nokholo enginalo.

A man will snatch your confidence from right under your feet... :( you find yourself shaking with rage, thinking How could this happen again. What did I do wrong. Well... I suppose I am not pretty in any case. I guess I am overweight anyway. So I think... its either I become a hoe or I become a drunkard. I chose the latter.

A man will real you in. Make you confide in him. He starts conversations about things you do not like to talk about. He says you must trust him. He listens carefully, absorbing all of the weaknesses you are exposing. You are oblivious to this, instead you are happy to open your heart and let the ghost you are falling in love with capture your spirit. A man that plays at your strengths is the devil. Most men will play at your weaknesses and use them against you, to real you into his cave, to make her feel warmth only when she is with him. But being so calculating as to manipulate a person using their own strengths, challenging them to be better than they are, supporting their needs and appreciating their worth... then he turns. Wakes up one random day and decides that he is done with the charity that is your life. Bye sisi

It saddens me. I am so sad. You convince yourself, that awusafuni lutho oluhlangene nendoda. You stay in this state of mind and this dormant state. Refusing any confusion and rejecting love all over and putting niggas in the friendzone. This devil man will nurse your fantasies, introduce you to his warmth and what you think is his love. You let your guard down. He climbs over the wall you have built around yourself and settles in your heart. He takes this slow, an illusion that he loves you enough to wait for you. He loves your smell and enjoys the taste of your skin, so you think. There are numerous attempts he makes at you and akapheli amandla. Every time you reject him, he smiles through it. He will run his fingers on your scars and experience them just to bring you greater pain. He says to you "I know you are broken and I will love you through it because your happiness s important to me". He lets you love him. The deeper you fall, the closer to his mission he becomes. The rubbish. When you have trialed him, he gives perfect answers, he checks up on you and cares about your well being. He wants you to be a good person and for you to be taken care of. You let yourself fall for him... You let him take care of you and it lasts for a few weeks. Weeks of passion and spiritual intimacy. Then he disappoints you. Just like that... all that you feared becomes the reality. Your inner core ruptures and it hurts more than you have ever imagined. You don't cry tears of pain, you cry tears of rage... Of madness.

It hurts fam.

Take ONLY what you need from a nigga... That way when things crumble (and they will) you will have only the memories of the joys you gained.
Ngcono siphuzeni.

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Im not bitter... I am MAD as hell
Aneh

The good woman

The good woman will love her man. She will love him, she will love him like Christ loved the world. 
She will take care of him. She will know him inside out and she will love his strengths and nurse his weaknesses. She will be loyal to her man and will not hear anything ill about him. Where she suspects that her actions are against his wishes, she will surrender them. He is her alpha  and he is her omega. There is no in between. She will be truthful to him. She will calculate his feelings and respect his wishes. Where she finds herself torn between two choices, his is the final word. Her aim is to satisfy him. Her existence is to obey him and to build him an empire. She assists him. She births his children and raises them under his laws. That's what the good woman does. She thinks ahead to make sure he is happy. She introduces new ideas to him, ideas that will be of assistance to him. She is a strong and smart woman.

He will come home to the warmth of her arms and he will sleep in the ecstasy that lies between her thighs. His back will be clothed by the finest fabrics and his face washed with the purest of waters. He will be sent to work with a kiss on the cheek. His aims and ambitions will be catered to and she will listen and advise him while she washes his feet. She will love him. She will wish nothing but the best for him. She feeds him. She makes every meal his favorite. She does not allow any other woman to feed him. He is hers to feed. She uses the best spices and bakes the sweetest treats. They belong to him.

She will pray for him... She prays for her family. She prays for the paths he walks. She prays for the money he brings home. She prays for his colleagues. She prays for riches and for love. She prays for her children. She prays for herself to be a good woman for her man. She prays for protection against the works of Lucifer, that when he wants to meddle in her family may he be burnt by the fire of Christ around their house hold.

She works hard. She trades, sells, receives and negotiates. She does this for her family. All those riches belong to her man. She sacrifices her wishes for her family. She is a good woman. When they speak ill of her man, she ignores them. She protects the image of her husband and sticks by him. 

She need not scream about the love she has for her man. Anyone with eyes can see it in her eyes. She is loving. She is kind. She speaks only in affairs that concern her. She rebukes gossip and wrong doing. She knows no other man but him. Her duty is to love him. She is faithful to him, in mind, in body and in heart.

There lies this woman in each and every one of us ladies. We must be careful on who we show her to. We must pray that she finds the good man... Being a good woman is serious work, she is strong and faithful.

The good man leaves everything and everyone and loves her. He loves her publicly. He loves her unconditionally. He appreciates her. He kisses her flaws. He encourages her. He compliments her. He finds her juices sweeter than the best wines. Her skin is his playground. He is content when she is smiling. He provides for her. He lays his head only on her bosom. He is faithful to her. He is weak when she is not near. He cannot wait to meet her warm embrace when he gets home. He longs for her scent when she is in another room. He is completed by her. She reigns his thoughts, body and heart.He is faithful to her. He only longs for her. 

When he makes mistakes, he apologises, learns an changes. He works hard. He finds everything that his family needs.

He prays for her. He prays for his family. He prays for his strength. He prays for the good spirits to safe guard his home when he is not there. He takes his family to the house praise. He leads his family in prayers. He is a good man. He resembles himself with Christ and loves his family like Christ loves his people.

Do you think he exists? Nah... All we have are rotten men. Olwabishi. Men that cheat, men that steal our hearts and throw them off the cliff. They don't care. Men who tell us that they love us but sleep with our sisters. men that manipulate us and make us their slaves by lying to us. Men that promise us marriage to suit their selfish needs. They chase, conquer and move on to the next victim. LOL ngyadlala (a little). Our men love with their mouths but not their actions because we don't build our relationships on the rock that is Jesus. We build our relationships on club floors, fancy cars and expensive foods. Sonke siWrong

We have good men... but you know where they are? They are in your friendzone... They are at church, busy praying for a woman just like you...

Never be a good woman to a person that has not asked you to be... 
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I am not bitter... I am mad as hell

Aneh

The other woman will be called a hoe for as long as the ANC rules

So you got cheated on... You are hurt yada yada... Can we talk about the other woman though?

I started writing this blog post with so much anger in my heart. I generally am very angry... Furious... I could be called a maniac. I have spoken about this mania before... It sits in between your eyes and wants to break open your skull in half. It makes your body shake and your fingers vibrate due to the fur... But we must calm down and think about this. We always want to be the victim hey.. But are we really?

I am at an advantage because all of the partners I have had I have good relationships with their friends and I have been "one of the boys" for so long. Also when I was in the student movement in University I was always around males and this is possibly why I am now such a maniac hey. Men do not think like we do ladies. I think we must just accept that and move on. Men are manipulative and skillful in getting what they want, when they want it and how. They are able to switch the roles and have them as the head and you just follow. You may think you are in charge and that you are controlling but a real man will let you believe that for trivial things but for the core things a man runs the relationship. Accept it. Unless uthandana nesiyoyoyo thizeni.

"Kanti what does he want?" Yes we have all said this line when we find out that he has another woman somewhere. Especially when you can identify with her. Especially when you know her name and you know what she looks like. I think its the worst when you know u "star" wakho and ungamukhomba noma ebheke le. It makes you feel like you are also a side chick. Why must you knowingly share this man. Ngoba enzen vele that he would be that special.

Men are the seekers. They have a variety of women to chose from and only when they find what they like do they pursue you. First round leyo, its purely physical, does he like the way you present yourself, your looks, your body etc. The second round is for him to gather whether you have the skills he requires in his life and whether you too have things in common. Ladies, HE decides whether to continue with your or not. As much as we like to think the ball is in our court. Its not true. A woman will locate the attributes she wants (money, stability etc) and then will deal with whatever the attribute comes with. Meaning, if a woman is after money (isib.), she will put aside her other preferences and only look at the money factor, whether the man is ugly, ill spoken, rural or over weight. BUT the guy will NOT continue with you if he doesn't firstly find you attractive etc. The third round is when you are actually dating, he looks at everything that you do, whether your communication skills are good or whether you are the typical wife material or if you have the attributes that HE values. This may take minutes or years. Only when HE is happy with you and the person you are , will he marry you. So do you see who runs the world? The mistake we make is thinking that we have "won" him just by a nigga asking you out. When we play hard to get etc, that nigga is busy manipulating you, ukushela loko, and he will twist your own words and confuse your own arguments. You will find yourself daydreaming about about something he said in passing. IF you like him already then its easy for him but if you dont kumele abe bukhali. Not all niggas are sharp at this. And yes ladies, a man can pursue you as a game, not that he liked you or maybe because he is just testing out his skills. Not every man that wants to take you out wants to marry you. Mhlambe ubezidlalela nje.

Ngokuqoma nje. We give "wife benefits" to a nigga obezidlulela nje ngendlela. No woman can trap a man that does not love her, unless he was forced by his mom to marry you. In the second round is when he is probably dating many of you, like a fisher man casting his net, he reals in all sorts of fish and will only select the ones that he likes... Even when those few fish have been picked, they will not all be eaten. We are in constant competition with other women and one must never get comfortable. Even when you are confident in that he loves you. Until a man proves his love to you over and over again, never be too confident. Science explains this very well. Is object A an apple? Ask yourself, does it LOOK like an apple? Does it TASTE like an apple? Does it FEEL like an apple? Does is SOUND like an apple? and Does it SMELL like an apple. As soon as one of these questions is a NO then we can conclude that object A is NOT an apple. Love is the same... You must feel it, see its actions, hear that you are loves and taste it, if its bitter leave it and if its sweet keep it. Stop staying in a relationship of promises and fantasies. If he loves you, he must prove it.

However... When a man cheats... Funny enough, it is not about you. So don't go changing yourself. Cutting your hair. Changing your fashion style and stuff. You wont believe it, but the other woman is just a normal girl. JUST like you. She has no magic powers and no, she did not go after your man. I suppose its the whole
 thing of "imina umem" that confuses us hey. Did you know that YOU will always be a side until proven one and only (marriage). Even then ungaziphakamisi because umuntu wesilisa will show you flames hey... You may find that he has another girl just because she laughs at some of his stupid jokes. Or maybe simply because she makes him coffee emsebenzini. Men are not long term thinkers, they are not emotional investors. That is our weakness I suppose. Men are weird fam, and he can change in a matter of seconds.  Only once it is too late to go back can he actually see what an amazing woman you were to him.

Men actually find thrill in just experiencing as many women as they can. It appeals to them. So when he is busy thrusting into another woman or flirts with another woman or what ever. It is NOT a reflection of his lack of love of you or disrespect to your relationship. Men like hoes. Hoes are fun loving, easy and are stress free. They are exactly like men. Living for now and thinking about temporary goals. These are women who purposefully date the men of others. That is what they were created for. To come into happy relationships and ruin them. They dont care about your man. bazidlela imali nomuntu nje qha. No value.

Then there are those of us that are so tired of investing your emotions in a serious relationship. We then just settle for men who we know are not available for us. Simply because they are EASY to deal with. Wena you just get the benefits of dates and sex, whilst the main or u "mam" does the washing, cooking etc. Its easier that way, so that when he randomly says he is through with her, she can easily pick up her heart and go. If you have gone through a real and serious break up, you know how painful heartbreak is when you have invested so much into it. Akudlalwa. I for one, understand these women. They end being sides for a long time because abahluphi hey. They also have no demands and no expectations. As long as he keeps her happy in the bedroom/bank nje. They will tell the main straight to her face, "Im not breaking up with him, ngiyamthanda nam. Anginankinga nawe mina". And she means it.

There are those creepy women that hope to be "promoted" into the position of main girl... These poor souls. Its a combination of having bad taste in men, lack of faith and also just bad luck. If you ever think these thoughts "He will realise that Im perfect for him", "He just needs time to see that she is all wrong for him", "His girlfriend does abcd wrong, so i must do abcd correctly, he will love me" and the famous one "He is only with her because they have a kid/ he is married to her/ she has money. He doesnt love her". GHEL... Phuma kuleyo relationship yaz. A nigga will use you for as long as YOU want him to. If YOU aren't the one... Ghel... You aren't. You may cook him delicious foods that we see in the magazines smear diamond sauce and gold chocolate mousse. You may f*ck him till he cries and speaks tongues. Do sommer saults on his D if you like... If you aren't the ONE. You aren't. 

When is it enough ladies? Tell me...  I swear as soon as you say "I love you too" the worlds change and you literally become the person always chasing for commitment. And when you love some one, you can lose yourself and end up doing things in a weird and funny way. But... The other woman exists... She is there, She kisses your man and embraces him. He loves it and he will continue to play both of you... She may know about you or she might not, in the latter case, she might be you.

Tholukuthi even you are a called a hoe by others. Its YOUR man that allows it. Men! Bloody bastards all of them...

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I am not bitter... I am mad as hell...Aneh

Prince Charming wokunuka...

Why would you eat something, chew it up, taste it, swallow it, throw it back up then eat it again? Thats how a friend of mine describes amaLove Back. Majina. But is taking back an ex all that bad? 

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel" - Maya Angelou

I remember when we were young, singamaFresher and virgins, so convinced that we would find "the one" and date till the end of our degrees, siqede then get married. We'll work for a few years then have kids all before the age of 25. WOW... Reality really humbles you. We probably did date and find a guy that was "the one" for quite some time. He then trampled all over your heart, nawe you probably did break a few hearts. You probably took him back nazama futhi and nahlukana futhi. The routine really does get boring after a while, but until you stop feeling for him, you probably gonna take him back. I think that is what our late teens and early twenties are for. Doing this over and over, dismissing niggas and falling for others, cheating and doing shady things (noma usungazenza ungcwele ngcwele nje). That's why I would never recommend anyone to get married before the age of 25, we are just emotionally immature at that age. Plus we get employed, change locations try out the long distance thing, find wealthier men and emotionally cheat (sometimes physical) and then discover that they are also just men and they will hurt you regardless.

I really do think men are half cooked humans... 

I have a few friends that actually did end up with this guy, bashadile manje kuhle kwanjeyaya. The rest of us?we keep on trying and end up hitting the brick wall time and time again. I guess that is why some people opt to stay with the same old abusive man. Or to keep taking back an ex because it doesn't increase the body count. LOL yes I know we would rather satisfy our bodily desires by dating an ex rather than find someone new and increase your body count. The body count (for those that don't know) is the amount for people you have slept with in your ENTIRE life, regardless of how many times, whether it was a relationship or a one night stand. lol awubale nje...

There is always that ONE guy that you ALMOST loved but wakhetha uskhotheni, akuHurt manje usuzodlala ngaloGuy because he has always loved you from the side lines. :( Its sad when we do this ladies. But when there is no chemistry what must a girl do? You have been stringing him for years and he would do anything for you just to get a chance to lay next to you. He is a keeper hey. You ladies don't want him though, nifuna oLwabishi bamadoda that hurt, use and abuse you. SMH if waziqomela loGuy kwasekuqaleni ngabe you have that ring hey. :"D Ngyadlala... It is not that easy. When going into any form of relationship, there are certain prerequisites, love, attraction and compatibility are a few of these and without them there really isn't much to that relationship. That is why you probably did not date him in the first place. Now that sebekuvuthuzile abafana you want to go back to him. Well, if he says he still loves you and you feel the same (miraculously) then give it a chance. Unless... he gets bored with you (I mean he has waited for you for years, only to find that you are JUST a human). Tough cookies then.

Funny enough most break ups are not because of cheating. Usually people get upset when their partner cheats but ends up forgiving them I find it so strange and so common. I also find it disgusting that cheating is a "norm". Worse, when you are married, your own mother will tell you "Amadoda anjalo ke mfazi" "Bekezela" and "Akukho okungadluli" sigh... Your friends used to tell you what to do before nabo amadoda ebagila. Faithfulness has fallen down the list of "priorities" for most of us ladies, we rather break up with someone because "He doesn't communicate enough with me so I never really know whats going on with him", "he has no ambition in life" and the famous "the sex really ain't that great".

It really boils down to... What matters to you as a woman. Is it love? Is it faithfulness? Is it money? Is it encouragement? Is it respect? Is it how he looks? Is it the job he has? Is it the places he takes you to? Is it the car he drives or the clothes he wears? Or is it the romantic gestures he has? Is it that he tells you that you are beautiful? Is it that he makes you laugh? Actually... This is a topic for another blog post.

There are fundamental principles that each of us carry. These NEED to be compatible. For example you and your partner need to have faith, a man that does not love God, will not know how to treat you because you cannot be the woman of Proverbs 31 to a person who cannot even recognize it. You and your partner need to share the core principles around your monies, you must be able to talk to your bae about money, how to save it, budget and help each other build more money. You and your partner must have the same mentality when it comes to career pathways and focus, you must not date a man that has no dreams, hopes or ambitions in terms of progressing in a career. A person who will not understand your language when you talk about going on skills courses, studying further or that you are just too tired because you had a long day at the office. Lastly, you and your partner must have common objectives when it comes to love, faithfulness, respect, etiquette and honesty. These are the fundamentals and the foundation building blocks in your relationship anything things else you will be able to deal with.

Secondary foundations can vary from age to location. These are our preferences and they are important but the relationship can survive without them. They hold weight and these can lead us astray and we end up losing good people that we could have built a future with. Being in along distance relationship is difficult and requires a lot of trust, faith and truthfulness but it is possible. Long distance relationships scare other people and other people do them just fine, for years, its because the primary foundation is solid. Others date men that are significantly older then them, others significantly poorer than them. These are uncomfortable factors that you wish you could change because you are so in love with sban ban but society wont let you be great. Again, if the fundamentals are rock solid then you can face anything together.

Tertiary factors are really the trivial things that don't make a relationship nor do they have the ability to break it unless the relationship is ntekenteke vele. Things like sex (although yall think thats a foundation things), how much money he has and his complexion etc. These things really do not matter in the core of your relationship. Well, they probably help you get attracted to someone, and it is what people on the outside look at and they conclude you are happy or unhappy in that relationship. Bleh ngoba abantu. It is heartbreaking when shallow people break up with good people all because of looks, money or sex appeal. If a nigga sucks in bed, buy him a Cosmopolitan magazine and show him what you want. Sit him down and explain how you feel. If he loves you, he will improve with your guidance. If a nigga cant dress, than for goodness sake take him to a mall and help him buy clothes. If he lacks tact, teach him manners. If he hates reading, buy him a book on something he already loves. If he doesn't call you every hour, then  YOU must call him every hour. Simple.

These are really minor things but we are so fixated with marrying Barack Obama and having an ideal family like him. Our problem is that we try to change our own core principles to suit our partners based on being attracted to tertiary components. As cliche as it may be, I make a list. Positives against negatives. Then I scratch off all the things that fall under the "tertiary factors" and then I see whether the nigga is real and if he is worth the problems. And asifani singabantu, we are stubborn and we are spiteful, we are vindictive and we are emotional. All these things cloud our judgements but when it is too good to be true... It probably is.

And ladies... Stop putting your relationship on a scale and comparing it to others. because like we hide our own flaws, we can never really know what is going on in other relationships. So kuyafana nokuqhathanisa nespoki nje. When it gets foggy... Put it down on a list. Next thing uhlukene nomuntu because he doesnt buy you airtime. Majina nje.

                                                                   
Im not bitter... Im mad as hell
Aneh

Hi I am Aneh and I am a baby mama...

Its sad that most children are now born out of wedlock... Its even sadder to think that most of their parents will NOT get married. Why is it so normal though?

I once posted a status saying: Ayh suka niyathanda ukuba oStep father, and  a friend of mine brought it to my attention that we are reaching an age where most women are actually mothers and most guys our ages are dads. So our boyfriends are actually assuming the role of "step father". Now its tricky dating someones baby mama and it is surely just as tough dating some ones baby daddy. Namely because women are so vindictive and are so crazy.

Fathers do not know how important they are in the lives of their children. A father (contrary to popular belief) installs the foundation principles in the adult life of the child. A mother is there to inject the emotions, morals and faith in their child. A dad actually has tough decisions to make, traditionally, he is the head of the house hold and he leaves to get the resources and building blocks of the child's life. Its sad to know that some of us are now the fathers in our children's lives. The behavior of the dad influences both the girl and the boy child. For little girls, they look to their fathers for protection, love and because girls love their parents they want that type of man when they are older. "My dad is abcd therefore my husband must be abcd". Also a boy child looks to his dad to find out how he should treat women. If the father fails to be an example, our roles as mothers is NOT to protect the child but once they are older be able to show them right and wrong of the actions, otherwise the child will always idolize the father, whether they are right or wrong.

The mother will never be wrong in the eyes of the child, so if you introduce your child to EVERY man that comes into your life, your girl child will think that is how things are meant to be and grow up to be a hoe. Your boy child will hate men for coming into your life and hurting you. He will grow up angry and will fail to be in a real relationship because he doesn't know what a happy relationship looks like... Anyway that is my modest opinion.


We ladies love calling ourselves single parents or single mothers. Hahahahaha. I hate that term because we use it incorrectly. So you and your baby daddy have broken up, but he is still financially available for your child, he comes to pick him for quality time, he comes to watch the little plays and games that the child participates in. He loves his child and takes him out and fetches him from time to time, changes his nappies or helps with the homework. Then my darling you are a single woman, not a single mom. A single mom is one that has no father figure in her child's life. She carries the financial, emotional, physical, academic and spiritual responsibility for her child. No help.

The stepdad... Baby Mamas deserve love too. But ladies, are we really going to introduce all of our boyfriends to our children vele? Or are we going to hide them until they propose marriage to us. Where is the radar though? Can you really trust him. Men have an amazing ability of waking up one morning and deciding that they no longer like you and you must pack your things and find another person. What happens when your child is in the mix of such things? :( Our children grow up knowing only what we teach them. So basically you are saying: "son/daughter of mine, its okay for men to hurt women and its okay to have many men/women in your life at one time."


Being a stepmom is difficult as well. Yuses its hard, especially since your boyfriend tells you his has a kid with someone but they are no longer together... How do you really know if they are broken up? My principle is never date some one who has a child that is less than 3 years, the mother may come back into his life at anytime, they have a newborn and there are a lot of emotions still going around. I would rather stay away from that mess. And the last thing you want is baby mama drama...

 There are three types of baby mamas...You must realise which one you are and leave that life behind you...
The first is the the kind that has completely moved on from the father (your boyfriend) she has no view on you or on his life. She is actually in another relationship or is even married. Literally, bahlanganiswa ingane with the dad. You are blessed if this is the type of baby mama you have. She is nice futhi and does not bad mouth you to the child and she calls your boyfriend only to tell him about new developments with the child, whether she needs help with picking her up from creche since she has a meeting that is running late. She doesn't enter your house when she picks up the baby and when she sees you in the shopping market, she says hello nicely and smiles. If the baby is with her she lets you talk to her. Kumnandi nje. Inkosi ingisize ngibe ilomama yaz. She helps you guys out nani if you are planning a weekend away and she babysits the baby even if it was his turn. There is no hostility and in fact you are pleasant to each other. Inkinga kungaba kuwena ke, because you will begin to compare yourself to her and wonder if your man still likes her, she is beautiful nice and smart, you wonder why he left her. If he could leave her then he could leave you too. There are many thoughts that take over our sanity... Also, your boyfriend must have also been a good baby daddy to her and was mature about things hence naye she knows the boundaries and will not violate them.

The "He will pay for leaving me" baby mama. This lady has not moved on. Maybe your boyfriend is still feeding her dreams. Maybe basathandana behind your back. She hates you, denies the father to see the child for as long as he is still with "the whore/you". She calls in the middle of the night, claiming that the child is sick and that she needs money. She spreads rumors about you and about him saying he doesn't give her a cent since he has started dating you. The child gives you attitude because her mom told her so. Worst, she is still friends with his family, his mom and sisters usually. She appears to be a saint to them and the devil to you. The best thing to do in this situation is simply be a good step mom to the child and a good girlfriend to your boyfriend. We as women love to be recognized for the things we do, if your man does not want to recognize you then leave that mess hey. They will probably get back together, simply because she is is easy. Do not be this baby mama. You appear to be uhlanya olunesidina futhi olungazithandi. The worst feeling is your baby daddy regretting ever having been with you. No matter how he left you... Let him go, read my previous post on the Five stages of grief...



The "we will always be together" baby mama. She is right. She and your baby daddy have this amazing bond :( they call each other for hours and visit each other even if ingane ikagogo. These two love each other, probably bahlukaniswa isimo esithize. You are probably the side chick and she is cool with you being around. A once saw a tweet saying "A nigga has eternal rights to his baby mama's cookie jar". Sweetheart, leave that mess behind. Every one loves her, his friends and his family are her Facebook friends even. She really does not recognise you nor is she phased by you. She gets invited to all the parties or traditional gatherings of the family, when she arrives they call her umakoti or uMakaSbanban and she is consulted in decisions. LOL she is there from the Thursday and comes everyday till the Monday afterwards, just helping. Kunzima... Leave that mess it won't end well for you. Your boyfriend is probably confused by all of his feelings. If your man is not doing anything to assure you that he is with YOU then you screwed GHEL.

The last type of baby mama is one I wont waste your data on because she is an absent person. She hates the dad and hates the baby. She abandoned the child at its birth...

Ideally we should marry our baby daddies hey. But it does not always happen. The worst thing you can do is "stay together for the baby". Wayisho lento untokaAdele... Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

                                                                

I am not bitter though... I'm just mad as hell...

Aneh (^^)/*