We go through five stages in our healing processes... No one really can tell you how long each phase lasts, no one can ever prepare you for the hurtful-ness of each phase. I cannot imagine the degree of pain you have gone through, mine was intense on my scale. We each have different pain-o-meters and no one should ever judge another persons...
Anger
That impulsive phase where you learn of the new information and your heart beats so fast you feel red in the phase. Tears crowding your eyes streaming down your face uncontrollably. This information can be anything from finding out that your partner has gone and spent your savings on someone else's lobola, that he was seen taking out some girl on a weekend away, he sold you out to his family that already hates you or even something like learning that he has been cheating with your friend, the hurt of him telling you that he will never marry you. No matter what it can be, if it is important to you it hurts like hell and you literally feel the cold knives stabbing you deep inside of you, your core. You feel heat coming form inside of you and the cold goosebumps all over your body. Cold shivers. Gasping. The tears come naturally, no matter where you are, no matter who you with. Their heat itching inside your eye lids and you run out of breath. Haibo. Hhe? Uthi kwenzenjani? Even the most poised of people have a brief moment of weakness.Questions flood your mind, Who? Wenzeni? Are you sure? Huh? Ima ke wait... How? Shaking your head furiously. Not my person, ngeke nje. And you go through it again, every time you are reminded by it. Haibo, ngyasangana yini? Why can't he keep it in his pants? Why didn't he just say mengasangifuni? Why though?
Once you have calmed down... You remain in state of rage and of anger. Your mind replays scenes, trying to calculate where it could have happened, when it happened and wondering why? This is a tough stage, memories creep into your mind and remind you of that initial moment that your heard about it. The love that lives in your heart drives you to anger, because with love come all sorts of arrangements and agreements that are now broken. For what, a hoe? (She will be a hoe in this blog because I said so). That hoe though, uqhamukaphi esezomosha nje. Yes we do blame the girl. Yes we blame everyone but our selves. You dream about it, the memory replays in your mind through out the day. Akudleki, akulaleki akusebenzeki. Uyisidumbu nje. Tears are still your friend. Panic attacks visit you in the middle of the night. Uvalo lusakushaya inhliziyo igxume ihlale emphinjeni :(. Kodwa Sbanban ungigilani?"
This is the most fatal stage as you feel justified to do anything. You want to go to his Facebook wall and swear him umubize ngaphansi kwesidwaba sikanyoko. You want to drive to his office and pee all over his laptop. You want to kill him. You want to go hit the hoe. You want to spray paint his car so that everyone knows. The bastard. The hoe. This is the thin line between sane and insane people (I am borderline insane shame.) I will plan your death in such high detail. You even contemplate telling everyone of all his secrets.
I spoke about this anger in detail in another blog post: "Its Whatever"
This phase can last for hours, days or even months. It depends on the person's ability to deal and accept the information. The anger is directed to God even...
Denial
There has to be some explanation for it. It must be a mistake and by some miracle He will come and explain everything to me. We will be fine. Its just a matter of time. There is a lot of confusion in this phase... Your heart fighting the facts and what you know, you refuse to believe. In your heart, you trust this man, he has promised you and he has gathered all of your love, he wouldn't do something like that to you. I just don't believe it."But... He said..." and "We had planned to..." "She is probably making it all up to get back at "... "I know my man... He wouldn't..." Truth is he did and he knew exactly what he was doing. But this does not cross your mind. Instead we entertain fantasies in our minds that will never be a reality ( I blame Bold and the Beautiful)
Being in denial can take up a lot of time because in your mind you genuinely expect a mind blowing explanation that will make everything all right. Or being in denial and saying that it does not hurt, that you never really loved him, that his p*nis was small anyway. You put on your heels and your freakum dress and go out partying acting like you have no care in the world. :( It hurts being in denial. Your friends look at you like you are crazy because they know the truth, they know how much you felt for him and how much you loved him and how much all of this is hurting you. But we act like we are on top of things.
Others regenerate their energies into something else (I'm guilty of this). I would read a book... Forget my life and concentrate on the book. Join the gym and start exercising so that when you get home you are so tired that you fall asleep without thinking of the realities of your life and your heartbreak. Take up a course at UNISA even, work harder... Angithi wausajoli, you have all of this spare time. The truth is, the feelings are like the first law of thermo-dynamics. They are never made nor destroyed they merely transfer from one kind to another. So those feelings will remain dormant in your heart until you are ready to process them and transform them into strength and faith.
Bargaining
When he makes contact... You have had time to think about things and have calmed down. You blame yourself for certain things. You preach to him and tell him in all sorts of deep and meaningful conversations why certain things have to change. Bargaining is when you KNOW there is no change coming but uyazincenga and take him back.
"Maybe nami Im too strict..." "Is faithfulness really that important..." "At least he still gives me money" "I dont care what type of relationship it is, as long as he is part of my life..." "I need him" "Maybe I need to be more sexy for him" "Let me try to be more sexually adventurous" . Majina nje. When you are the one done wrong and yet you are the one who still must compromise. Its a level of desperation. Its trying to grasp what ever you had and trying to bring it back. It will never be the same. You pray so hard for him to change or to come back to you or for God to bring you a perfect man and in return you will remain a faithful christian. Uzoziyeka zonke iyndlela zobubi uma nje iNkosi ingakuhawukela.
Others substitute during this phase. Maybe nami if I date other men, it will hurt him and he will come back to me. You date other types of men, but the truth is, before you fall asleep memories of the original person and you wonder how he is doing crowd your head. Kunzima because you aren't happy. When he repeats those habits that he said he would change... When the new guy disappoints you in the same way... When God sends you signs and you ignore them...
Truth is, we must pray for intando yeNkosi ukuthi ifezeke. "God take the wheel", "Jesus umoya wam ngiwulahlela kuwe, intando yakho mayenziwe empilweni yam". Amen
Depression
When you have tried everything and you realise that things are not going to change and that your relationship is a failure. This is when you collapse and break down. Its a different feeling to the anger... This is a pain that sinks your soul and your heart... You see no God, you see no friends and you see no hope. You fall into a well of sadness, self pity and heartbreak. Its either you listen to Sam Smith, Boys to Men, Luther Van Ross and Adele or you listen to Joyous Celebration. Nothing makes sense.This phase is the most difficult. In fact... when I think about it kwamanje. ngifikelwa usizi nezinyembezi ziyazilwela phez kweLap top. Its difficult and painful. Its confusing and frustrating. It literally cuts you open, enters that dark spot in the pits of your hearts and settles there. It confuses your life.
Reality has checked in... There are no means of turning back to the happiness that you once shared. He has left, he wont change, he doesn't love you. Its not your fault. The first thing is to forgive yourself. You need to realise what ever happened was not your fault. It was MEANT to happen that way. But we must go through it. We must pray through it.
I remember saying "God, but I prayed so much for this relationship to work out. I prayed for our love and our future" and a friend of mine said, "Its because you prayed so hard that God took him away. It means that he is NOT the person you imagine him to be. Allow God to filter those that he doesn't want out of your life". Namanje I follow that principle.
LET him go and if he was meant to be in your life as "the one" then he will come back, God willing. Maybe all you had to do was to help him go through something. Maybe all you had to do is to was make him a greater person. Maybe your role in his life was for you to show him what real love is, so that he can love others. I know nhe... :(
LOL, vele it is easy to write this blog and for people to say "pray through" it. But its up to the person that is hurt hey... You must believe that God wouldn't let you go through such pain alone and that what is still coming is greater that this temporary situation. Until then... You wont be able to enter the next phase...
Acceptance
"Sban ban and I are no longer an item and I am okay with it. I don't need him. I learnt a lot of things from our situation. I truly wish him well". This is the best phase and if it is true then you will be happy and be ready to go back to the dating field. You look back and realise that you got yourself out of such a slump and are now a better person. God shows us his greatness in his own time.
Learn from your past. No relationship happens for nothing. Even the crappiest relationships have lessons for us. Otherwise we go into fresh new relationships just to repeat the same mistakes again and end up being more heartbroken. I just find it helps to take a break from everything
There are no feelings towards the ex now. By feelings, I mean when you see him, you smile and wave asking how he is feeling and how are things. Genuinely want to know. You don't hate him. You don't wish him ill. You don't stalk his social media, you don't stalk his new girlfriend. You don't find fault in his new girlfriend. Men deal differently to break ups that we do. By the time he realises that he misses you and that you were the perfect person etc wena usuke sukade wadlula lapho. If he still confuses you, then you are still in the "bargaining" phase.
Anyway... It is unfair that one must go through this... and it can take so long to reach the "acceptance" but once you are there. You are unbeatable. That is the strength we have as women. We have strong hearts and core strength. We love deep. That is why we must have faith.
Crap will still happen because men are men and they do such things without any consideration.
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