It irritates me knowing that we young black unmarried women are regarded to as bitter. We are attached with being so full of drama that we can shout at our boyfriends for nothing and for everything. I am not a feminist. We are thought of as crazy at times. I don't think we are bitter, crazy or full of drama. I just think we are humans so full of emotions that we love hard and are broken hard as well.... But even me I am generalising now. The truth is asifani, we are not the same. Not even by the strands of our weaves.
I cannot speak for men... In my opinion they have no emotions.
Its the touch of a nigga as a creeps up behind you to kiss your ear, or when he hugs you from behind breathes down your neck and holds you close. It could be in your kitchen while you cooking or even in the middle of the mall... he just couldn't wait to hold you, couldn't wait to show you his affection and just couldn't wait to smell you. Its when he brushes your eyebrows while you sleeping, just listening to you breathe (or snore) and he would place a gentle kiss on your nose then falls asleep with his face embedded in yours. Its when he brushes your cheek with his hand, so softly and so sweetly that all your insecurities melt away. When he looks deep into your eyes as you make love, you are convinced that he truly loves you and that you are his one.
Those thoughts come back to you when you discover that even he is just one of the guys. That when he hurts you, he will never understand the pain that you feel.The rage fills you up, a volcano erupting in the depths of your heart. Tears burn your cheeks and you lose control for a few moments... Kanjani? Who could be so evil that he hold my hand and whispers sweet nothings in my ear but yet still long for another woman. Was it all fake? Oh my goodness... Does he do the same things with her? Love is a strong emotion but the rage that fills you can move mountains. Your fingers ache for something to break, your voice longs for something to scream instead all that comes out is a breathless cry. We suffocate under all this new information and the veins pop on our foreheads... As the world stops spinning, your heart continues to beat so hard it sits under your voice. What is to happen now? Falling down mentally... kusaqhaqhazela umzimba.
Its this rage that makes us appear to be crazy... Uzibuza uziphendula imibuzo ongasoze uyithole izimpendulo zayo. He says "I'm sorry babe", "uyazi ngithanda wena", "I made a mistake, please give me another chance" and expects you to calm down after a few days and then forgive him. Ekumaketha umuntu. Imagine. Ngathi ungaphihliza iPlate lokudla ekhanda lakhe yaz noma umbhunyele ngamanzi abilayo athule athi du.
I don't think men know how much we put into relationships. Once she says she loves you, she hands her love and her heart in your hands and lets you hold it and feel its warmth. She gives you her focus, gives you her strength and takes care of your heart and most of all, she prays for you. Asks God to make you a brilliant man, prays for your family and for your career. She invests in you, believing your promises of eternal love and marriage. She shares a bit of herself with him every time he tells her that he loves her. Its all of these thoughts that make a woman itch with rage that her sanity is questioned.
Abantu besilisa abanawo amehlo okubona.
I mentioned that we are not the same as young black women. We look for different things. Men locate these characteristics and use them opportunistically to lure her into doing things for him. Very few times when women just want a physical relationship. Some long for commitment... She will commit to anything promising her a ring, a house and a job. She strives for this and a man will promise her for years and will never deliver, because a man doesn't marry for convenience, he marries for unknown characteristics and he wont marry until he finds them. They come at him like a light bulb. If she is not the one, she is not. Some of us fear, we fear people talking about us saying that we are loose. So we force things and take what ever man that can marry us so that sizophuma ehlazweni. We whore once we are in marriage, because we got married for the wrong reasons and are never happy. Some of us use men as accessories... Where she has progressed in her career, owns a beautiful home and the most stylish of wardrobes. How can she be single? She pretends to be tough "I dont need a man" but deep down uyazi. But this is a topic for another blog post...
Most times she takes him back... He hurts her again and again. When she is full of hate and full of rage, he calls her crazy, uHlanyozi. When she wants to do the things he promised her he would do for her, umbiza ngescefe. He gets her used to a certain life than in less that a few moments he snatches it right from under her. When she falls, she tries to restore her hearts pieces that are now laying on the floor, people walking on top of it other spiting on it and others laughing at it. She works hysterically with tears in her eyes trying to get all the pieces of her heart back. And when she tries to sleep... It plays like a movie in her mind and haunts her taking away bits and pieces of her sanity.
We pray most during these times. If it wasn't for prayer... Most young black men would be found tortured and dead in pits of scum where they belong. But we pray and we forgive, we write books and blogs and find our sanity once more.
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